Maintaining Relationships When You’re Not Doing Well

This has been a rocky couple of weeks for me. I’ve had a lot going on lately, so my self-care routine has kind of fallen by the wayside. The obvious result of this has been that I’ve been experiencing a super fun (not) cocktail of anxiety and depression. This is my first rough patch since moving in by myself (which I guess has only been three weeks), and it’s a whole different experience. I tend to withdraw when I’m depressed and/or anxious (like a lot of people), and that’s a whole lot easier to do when you live by yourself.

When I’m anxious, I ignore calls, texts, emails, and Facebook messages, not because I want to withdraw or isolate myself, but because the anxiety of responding — especially if I’ve been MIA for a few days — is too overwhelming. When I’m depressed, I’m already using what little energy I have to get out of bed, get dressed, and get through the work day before collapsing into bed again. When I’m anxious and depressed, I don’t have the energy to conquer the anxiety of responding, so then I go awhile without responding, which in turn makes me feel anxious because I feel like people are mad at me, and then I worry so much that I have even less energy to conquer it…well, you get the idea.

I know I’m not alone in this. So how do you maintain connections with your support system when all you really want to do is hide under a table until people leave you alone? 

Send out a mass message. Whether it’s a Facebook post, a tweet, a group text, or anything else, just let people know what’s going on. You don’t need to go into detail, just let them know that you’re having a hard time and you’ll get back to them as soon as you can. Here’s what I posted on Facebook a couple of days ago:

Facebook Grab

This served two purposes: it let people know what was going on, which eased up on the guilt a little, and it encouraged people to reach out to me and tell me they loved me, which I desperately needed. I know some people might be resistant to this because it seems like a “cry for help,” but I’ve never really understood that negative knee jerk reaction to that. There’s nothing wrong with crying for help when you need help. In fact, I think it’s a great idea! Cry away.

Do a little extra self-care. First things first, if you’ve been slacking on your regular self-care routine, do your best to get back on track. Then you can try to squeeze in a few things from your “wants” and “extras.” I don’t know about you, but when I’m not doing well, the first thing to go is my self-care. Then I feel even worse, which makes it even harder to get back on track. It’s another one of those vicious cycles. If you can get back on track with your self-care, not only will it make you feel better because you’re taking care of yourself, but it will also remind you that you’re worth the time and effort required to take care of yourself.

Make plans. I know this is the absolute last thing you want to do, but it will help. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy. Pick your closest friend or family member, one you know won’t judge you if you haven’t showered or your house is a mess, and make some plans. Even if it’s just inviting them over to eat takeout on the couch with you, it will help. It’s always good to spend time with people who love you, and it will help break that endless cycle of negativity that your brain can get stuck in when you’re not doing well.

Be honest. Odds are good that if you have close friends or family who know you well, they’re going to notice when something’s wrong. When people ask me what’s wrong, I used to always respond the same way: a big fake smile and a cheery “Everything’s fine! I’m just tired.” You know who I was fooling? No one. Lying will only make you feel more isolated, and the people closest to you will probably know that you’re lying anyway. Again, you don’t have to get into the vivid details, but if someone asks you what’s going on, tell them. Just say “You know, I’m not doing well right now. Can you come over and hang out with me?” Look at that, you accomplished two things right there. Yay you!

Share your small victories. You don’t have to blast it all over social media, but if you just did something little that seemed huge, share it with someone who will understand. Here’s a text I sent to Anna last night:

Anna Text

I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 missed called and voicemails, so this was a BIG deal for me. Not to mention how stressful I find listening to voicemails. Anna knows all these things about me, so it felt super rewarding to share this little victory. Even if it’s something as small as taking a shower or putting on pants or not crying at work, share with someone who will get it! And if you don’t have anyone in your life who will get it, get some better friends, and then tweet @ftwtwblog and tell me about it! I promise to be super impressed by you.

Cut yourself some slack. It’s okay to not be doing well. It’s not your fault. Sometimes it seems like you’ll never be okay again and that everyone in your life is going to abandon you because you suck at getting back to them, but they won’t. Everything will be okay, I promise.

If you feel like you can’t talk to the people in your life, you’re more than welcome to reach out to me via e-mail at, on Twitter and Instagram at @ftwtwblog, or post in the Facebook group. I’m a really good listener. If things are really scary and you need to talk to someone ASAP, please please PLEASE call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255.

Stay safe and keep your head up. People love you, and it’s all going to be okay!

**NOTE: I’m going to start posting more regularly, instead of throwing a post up whenever the spirit moves me. Now you can look for new posts every Friday! Woohoo!**

5 Ways to Show Love to Someone with Depression

Happy Valentine’s Day, loves! Whether you’re single or in a relationship, I hope you’re showing yourself and your favorite people some extra love today.

In honor of this love-centric holiday, I figured it was high time to write a piece that’s been on my mind for a long time. Loving someone who has any kind of mental illness can be tricky, especially if you’re not someone who’s ever struggled with it. For today, I’m going to focus on the most common mental illness: depression.

Every person is different, but here are my basic guidelines for showing love to a person with depression, whether it’s a special occasion like V-Day or any regular old day.

Ask them what they want. This one can be hard, especially in a new relationship, but it’s so important. Grand gestures are great, but for someone who’s depressed they can be really overwhelming. When you’re planning something for a holiday, a simple question a few weeks out like, “Hey, how do you feel about surprises?” can make a big difference.  The second, equally important, part of this is to listen to them. If they tell you they don’t want to go out or exchange gifts, surprising them with reservations at a fancy restaurant and an extravagant gift runs the risk of making them feel worse.

Do something to make their life easier. If you love someone with depression and you know they hate cleaning the kitchen, surprise them with a sparkling clean kitchen. Run errands for them. Clean the cat litter. Take their car in for an oil change. If it’s a new relationship/friendship and you don’t feel comfortable doing those things just yet, offer to cook dinner and clean up afterwards, or offer to help them do something you know they don’t enjoy. This may not seem super romantic, but a clean litter box and a fridge full of groceries shows me how much you love me way better than a bouquet of flowers.

Keep their limitations in mind when making plans. I know for some people, dressing up and going out somewhere fancy can help pull them out of a depressive episode, but this doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes the stress of having to shower and compose yourself enough to go out in public can be overwhelming and awful. If you know your significant other or friend is going through a depressive episode, skip the surprise this year, and let them be a part of the planning. Find a way to celebrate that doesn’t take so much energy that it’s draining. Go see a movie, eat somewhere casual, or make a fancy meal at home.

Help them with self-care. Do something that you know will help their mental health, whether it’s something big like a professional massage, or small, like prepping their lunches for the week or filling their prescriptions.  If they’ve made a self-care list, that makes it even easier. Help them get the needs done and throw in some of the extras. It might not seem big and romantic, but I promise it will make a huge difference.

Remind them that your love is unconditional, and follow through. Depression sneaks in and tells you that no one really loves you, that everyone who tells you they love you is lying, and that everyone you love would be better off without you. Combat those nasty thoughts by telling your friend/partner/loved one that you will always love them, rain or shine, good days and bad, laughing or curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing. Say it and mean it. When they do have a bad day, make good on those promises and keep on loving them as loud as you can.

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Happy V-Day from my Valentine to yours!!

The Positive 30 Challenge

Hi friends! What did you do for the Super Bowl yesterday? Did you go to a party and eat lots of delicious junk food? Watch it at home with your family? Skip it entirely and watch the Puppy Bowl instead? My life is pretty hectic right now, so I watched the Super Bowl at home while I unpacked and prepped my meals for the week. Tech rehearsal for Treasure Island every night this week means prepping breakfast, lunch, and dinner for every day. Kind of exhausting.

The Super Bowl was a non-stop thrill ride at our house.
Anyway, as I watched the Super Bowl this year, I couldn’t help but think about last year’s Super Bowl. The day of the 2015 Super Bowl was the day before I was admitted to a mental hospital, and the day my mental health hit rock bottom. I’m sure there will come a time where the only association I have with the Super Bowl is happiness and lots of delicious food, but this year, all I could think about was the negative stuff. Most of the time I can see how amazing it is that I’ve come so far, but yesterday the bad memories started to overwhelm me.

I don’t know if it’s my mental illness or just my nature, but my default setting is to fixate on the negative side of things. I’ve caught myself falling into that negative spiral a lot lately, so I decided to start making a conscious effort to focus on the positive side of things instead. And you know what? It’s made a difference. It’s getting easier to focus on the positive, and I’ve even noticed a change in my body when I shift my focus to the positive, like a giant weight is being lifted off my chest.

Whether you struggle with mental illness or not, I’m confident you’ve gotten trapped in a negative cycle a time or two before. Have you ever overslept, and then everything else seemed to go wrong for the entire day? Some of that is just the universe conspiring against you (sorry), but some of it is a snowball effect. If you hadn’t been wrapped up in how frustrated and flustered you were about being late, you probably wouldn’t have spilled coffee down your front or locked your keys in your car. What if you had chosen instead to take thirty seconds, breathe deeply a few times, and think about how much your body will benefit from the extra hour of sleep and how lucky you are to live a life where you won’t get fired for being late once? You might have still had a bad day, but it might stop that snowball effect of everything being awful all day.

Let me say that I’m not trying to suggest this as a “cure” to mental illness. I understand that sometimes you’re really depressed or anxious and you just can’t focus on the positive, and that’s okay. I’m saying that if you train your brain to start focusing on the positive when you do have that choice, it might be just a teeny, tiny bit easier to do that when you’re not at your best. And who knows? Maybe you’ll see other benefits too. You won’t know until you try.

For the next thirty days, I want you to find one thing a day to which your immediate reaction was negative, and find a way to spin it. I’m going to do my challenge primarily on Instagram, but you don’t have to. Feel free to use any social media platform you choose, or none at all. If you’re more comfortable, leave comments on the blog, or just write it down in a journal every day and post/tweet/comment at the end to let me know how it went.

Here’s the official Finding the Way to Well Positive 30 Challenge in a neat, tidy numbered list:

  1. Pick one thing per day for thirty days that you immediately reacted negatively to (a parking ticket, a flat tire, a new haircut, etc.).
  2. Take a picture of it (if you’re so inclined).
  3. Tweet/Instagram/Facebook it and tell us a) the situation b) your immediate reaction c) your positive spin.
  4. Tag @FTWTWBlog on Twitter and Instagram and Finding the Way to Well on Facebook and use #ftwtwpositive30

Positive 30 Pinterest

Follow me at @FTWTWBlog on Twitter and Instagram and Finding the Way to Well on Facebook to see my daily posts, and be sure to check out #ftwtwpositive30 to see what everyone else is posting!

P.s. If your immediate response to this is a massive eye roll and the thought of “Oh my god, not another stupid challenge,” examine that response and how negative it is. I’m just saying. No one ever got hurt from having a little extra positivity in their lives. 

Check out my Day One post here!

5 Tips to Stay Mentally Healthy When You’re Sick

This morning I woke up all congested with the beginnings of a killer sore throat. I really, really don’t have time to get sick right now. I’m in a production of Treasure Island out in Skokie that opens in a week, which means 16 hour days every day next week. Plus I just moved into a new apartment last weekend (pics to come!).

I don’t have anything planned tonight or tomorrow, so I made a grand plan to do what I always do when I get sick: sleep for sixteen hours straight, eat my weight in gluten-free macaroni cheese, and not leave my couch. Then I started to think about how much I’ve improved my self-care game in the past few months, and I realized that my plan for the weekend probably wouldn’t be great for my mental health. I set out to revamp my sicky plan to protect my mental health, and here are the five best tips I came up with:

Sick Pinterest

Take a shower. Any time I start to feel bad, mentally or physically, the first thing I do is take a shower. It’s like hitting the reset button. Take a long shower, enjoy the steam, take longer than you usually do to get clean, then put on clean, cozy pajamas. If you’re going to be sitting on the couch for most of the day, it’s way more enjoyable when you feel like you aren’t sitting in your own filth. Besides, the steam will help if you’re congested, so it’s a win-win.

Leave the House. I feel like I got hit by a really mucus-y truck, and the last thing I want to do is get up off my couch. It’s February in Chicago, and my apartment is warm and smells nice and has all the internet and food I could wish for. That being said, the longer you sit around doing nothing, the harder it’s going to be on your mental health. You don’t need to do anything strenuous, just head outside for a few minutes. If you can afford to, pick up a little something that’ll make your convalescence more enjoyable: a hot tea from your neighborhood coffee shop, trashy magazines, Vicks Vaporub. That way you get a little Vitamin D and fresh air and you have something to look forward to when you get home.

I highly recommend a furry cuddle buddy.

Eat your veggies. I am a junk food eater when I’m sick. I love eating mac and cheese, pizza, fast food — basically any food that gives me an entire day of calories in one meal. As delicious as that might be, I know I’m not doing myself any favors, mentally or physically. Eat foods that are high in Vitamins C, D, and B12 to help your immune system and give your mood a little boost too. Eat balanced meals instead of loading up on empty carbs. Try this awesome soup for a little comfort food that won’t make you feel gross afterward. Especially if you’re someone who struggles with your weight, eating high-fat, high-calorie foods is just going to leave you feeling bad, mentally and physically.

Be mindful of your cold meds. If you made your self-care plan, you (hopefully) established a baseline by cutting out addictive stuff for a while. That probably means that you’re becoming more in tune with how your mood and your body react when you take OTC medications. Since daytime cold meds are uppers and nighttime cold meds are downers, they’re probably going to affect your mood if you’re taking them regularly for a couple of days. Avoid taking more than one or two doses in twenty-four hours if you can, and definitely aim to be off them in three days.

Give yourself permission to rest. It’s really, really hard for me to lay around and do nothing. Between work, blogging, rehearsals, and keeping up an apartment by myself, I always feel like there’s something I “should” be doing. This mentality is really dangerous when you’re sick, because it means you’re beating yourself up every minute that you’re lying on the couch doing nothing, which can lead to a pretty nasty downward spiral. Your job when you’re sick is to get well. You’re not doing anyone any favors by showing up sick and half-assing your responsibilities because you’re too sick to do things well. Lay down. Watch trashy television. Drink fluids. Rest. Rest. Rest. Your health is the most important thing you have, so treat it gently.

I hope these tips can help keep your mental state healthy, even when the rest of you isn’t.

**Social Media Note: I’ve resolved the thumbnail issue we were having with sharing the blog to Facebook, so share away!**

How to Handle the Medication Stigma

Me: *Discreetly takes medication*
Person: What did you just take?
Me: My anti-anxiety medication.
Person: You’re on anti-anxiety medication?
Me: Yeah.
Person: Really? You don’t seem crazy at all.

I used to be on an anti-anxiety medication that I had to take with lunch, so conversations like this happened more than once. Odds are that if you have to take a medication when you’re away from home, or even if you’re just open about the fact that you take medication, you’ve probably had some version of this conversation.

Most people react well, or at least respond tactfully, but every now and then you get a negative response. I used to get flustered and really upset by that, so I figured I’d put together a little guide on how to handle the medication haters.

Meds Pinterest.jpg

Most of the negative responses I’ve encountered fit into one of three categories:

The anecdotal evidence for why medication doesn’t work

What it looks like:
“My aunt’s boyfriend went on antidepressants and it actually made him way worse and he tried to kill himself.”
“My mom went on anti-anxiety medications and it didn’t help her at all.”
“I went on antidepressants when I was in college and it made me feel awful.”

Why it’s a problem: If we based all of our medical choices on anecdotal evidence, we’d all be sick or dead. Just because I’m allergic to amoxicillin doesn’t mean you can’t take it. Everyone responds to treatment differently, and the one-size-fits-all treatment mentality just adds to the stigma surrounding mental health and makes it that much harder to get help.

How to respond: I’m assuming here that you want to remain diplomatic and spread positivity and education with your responses. I usually try not to dismiss them or their experiences, but I still stand my ground. “I’m so sorry that you/your mom/your uncle’s cousin’s brother had such a bad experience. It took me a long time to find the right medications for me, but once I did, it made a huge difference in my life.”

The failed compliment

What it looks like:
“Wow, I never would have guess that you’re medicated. You seem so normal!”
“You don’t seem like you have bipolar!”
“No way are you crazy enough to be medicated!”

Why it’s a problem: First of all, I know I don’t seem crazy. I’m on medication and in therapy precisely so I don’t seem crazy. Second of all, the notion that you should be able to see my illness just adds to the mental health stigma. The idea that you have to look or act a certain way to be considered mentally ill makes it so much harder to recognize an illness and get treatment for it. Mental illness looks different on everyone, and the first step to fighting the stigma is to stop pretending that we can recognize it on sight. Third, when you throw around words like “crazy,” and “normal,” it diminishes the complicated experiences of people who struggle with mental illness.

How to respond: “Well, you don’t seem like an insensitive ass. I guess we were both wrong.” No, I’m just kidding. Although I’ve considered that response more than once. This one’s tough, because it’s so ingrained in us to thank someone for what was intended as a compliment, but don’t do it! Try “Most people who are medicated for mental illness aren’t the people you would expect.” or even “Well, I’ve been in treatment for [insert number] years, I certainly hope I don’t seem crazy.” And if you really want to be educational, throw in a, “Hey, did you know that 1 in 5 American adults experience mental illness in a given year? Bet you wouldn’t pick out 20% of the population as ‘crazy’ either.”

The dismissal.

What it looks like:
“Ugh, do you really want to be on pills for the rest of your life?”
“You have so much to be happy about, why would you need medication?”
“Aren’t those basically placebos anyway?”
“Have you tried thinking positively/yoga/acupuncture/exercise/etc.?

Why it’s problematic: First of all, it’s just personally insulting. Most people who are medicated didn’t make that decision lightly, and that choice is between them and their doctor (and their parents, if they’re a minor). Second, it goes back to taking ownership of your body. This is just another way of saying “I know what’s best for you and your body better than you do,” and that’s not okay.  Third, it’s that mental illness stigma again. The notion that you can treat mental illness by choosing to be happier is as absurd as the idea that you could treat asthma by choosing to breath easier.

How to respond: This is the one I have the hardest time with. I usually go for something along the lines of, “Actually, I use a lot of different treatment methods. Medication is one of them, and it’s just a vital to my health as medication for any other illness.”

When people say rude, hurtful, ignorant things, it can take every fiber of your being not to rage at them for being part of the problem. Just remember that they didn’t choose to be ignorant any more than you (or your loved one) chose to be mentally ill. Every interaction you have that centers around mental illness is a chance to fight the stigma that surrounds it. Use your voice and your unique experience to battle that stigma and make the world a little brighter and more educated.

A Beginner’s Guide to Daily Self-Care

Does anyone else feel like they’ve been hearing the term “self-care” thrown around a lot lately? Up until pretty recently, it was one of those things that I knew I should be doing, but I had no idea where to start. Kind of like “budgeting” or “saving for retirement” (it’s possible I’m not great with money). I think a lot of people (myself included), avoid self-care because it’s too expensive, or too time-consuming, or too selfish. After my experiences this last year, it became pretty clear that self-care needed to take a front seat to everything else while I tried to get my life back on track.

Self-Care Pinterest

Whether you struggle with mental illness or not, self-care is hugely important to living a happy, healthy life. It doesn’t have to be something big or extravagant or complicated. It’s just about getting to know your body and taking care of it on a daily basis. And if you’re worried about being selfish, remember: you can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first.

My first few attempts at establishing a daily self-care routine were unsuccessful, to say the least. I have this problem where I tend to go all or nothing. I would come up with about two dozen things I wanted to do in the three and a half hours between getting home and going to bed. Then I would get so overwhelmed by the sheer number of things I wanted to do that I wouldn’t know where to start and I would end up just sitting on the couch until it was time to go to bed. Not super helpful in the self-care department.

Disclaimer: I’m not an expert, and I certainly didn’t invent this approach. This is just the method that helped me figure out self-care, and I hope it can help you too.

  • Establish a baseline, a.k.a. stop putting poison in your body. If you smoke, quit. Stop drinking alcohol, at least for a little while. This one may hurt, but cut out caffeine. Unless it’s prescribed by a doctor, cut out all the addictive stuff. Even if you only cut out alcohol and caffeine for a couple of weeks, it will help you establish a baseline for what “normal” feels like. I used to drink two or three cups of coffee a day. After cutting it out for a month, I learned that if I have even one cup of caffeinated tea, my anxiety goes through the roof and I get a migraine. I learned that if I have more than two alcoholic drinks in a sitting, my anxiety and depression are completely overwhelming the next day. You might be surprised what you’ll learn about yourself.
  • Make a self-care list. Write down everything you do (or could do) on a daily basis to care for your physical, mental, and emotional health. Start with the really easy stuff, like brushing your teeth, and go from there. Here’s my list to get you started:IMG_1131

    I added giving myself a five-minute foot massage to my list after reading this post about foot massages, and I love it! If you’re having trouble coming up with things, go through your day from beginning to end. What makes you feel better, physically or mentally?

  • Figure out your priorities and make it manageable. This was the step that made a huge difference for me. Take your list and break it into three smaller lists: need, want, and bonus. The needs are things that are absolutely non-negotiable. The wants are things that you would really, really like to do, but you won’t be completely derailed if they don’t get done. The bonuses are things that you know will help you, but aren’t a priority. Here’s my breakdown:Self-Care Lists
  • Don’t be afraid of trial and error. It took me some time to figure out my three lists. Originally exercise was a need and eight hours of sleep was a want. Then I started to notice that on days when I sacrificed my sleep to get a workout in, I almost always had a bad mental health day. I flipped them, and it was a world of difference. I don’t feel as good when I don’t work out, but I don’t have the massive meltdowns I have when I miss my sleep. If you’re anything like me and you’ve spent years mistreating your body and mind, you might have no idea where to start, and that’s okay. Listen to your body, pay attention to what makes a difference, and make changes accordingly.
  • Make your needs non-negotiable. No more binging Downton Abbey until one in the morning because it’ll be okay just this once. No more slipping up and forgetting to take your meds. No more working through lunch and figuring that two meals will be fine. Make your needs, and your health, your first priority.
  • Use your energy wisely. If you finish all yours needs and you still have time and energy to start working on your wants, try to pick things in order of what will take the least effort and help you the most. I know my morning will be infinitely easier if I take the five minutes to pack my lunch, so that’s usually the first thing I do when I still have the energy. Mindfulness is pretty easy too. If you’re new to mindfulness, I highly recommend the app “Headspace.” A soothing voice walks you through ten minutes of mindfulness, and you won’t believe how quickly you’re able to relax into the practice. (I’m not sponsored by them or anything, I just really like the app.)
  • Be ambitious, but don’t overwhelm yourself. My bonus column is pretty short because honestly, it’s pretty rare that I get to it. If you find yourself getting through all three lists and you still have time and energy, add more things! Even if it’s just an extra half hour of TV or reading, add it to the list. That being said, if you find yourself barely getting through the needs, don’t beat yourself up. You’re on the road to self-care, and that’s the important thing.

Breaking it into these steps has made a huge difference for me, and I hope it can help you too. I’m still pretty new to the self-care game, and it’s not always easy. Some days I can get everything from every list done and still feel great. Some days it’s a struggle to get all of my “needs” done before collapsing into bed. I think (and hope) it’s one of those things that will get easier with time. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

Comment and let me know how it’s going for you!

Taking Back Your Body

Before we get started, I want to lay out an exhaustive, complete list of every single person who gets a say in what I do with my body:

  1. Me

End of list.

Cool, now that we have that out of the way, let’s move on.

Taking Back Your Body Pinterest

As a woman (or a man or non-gender conforming person), have you ever felt like everyone and their mother thinks they ought to have a say in what you do with your body? It’s become such an ingrained part of our culture that it can be difficult to even notice sometimes.

I did something crazy today: I wore red lipstick. I usually go with no lipstick or something neutral, so I got a lot of comments. Most of them were really positive, and I felt great about how I looked today. Then one of my coworkers, a man about twenty years older than me, walked over to my desk and commented on it. Here’s how the conversation went:

Him: “Who are you trying to impress with that lipstick?”
Me: “No one. I just like the color and I thought it would be fun.”
Him: *gives me a level look* “Come on now. You ladies don’t wear lipstick like that unless you’re trying to impress someone.”

Author’s note: it was a Herculean effort of will not to immediately start yelling and flipping tables.

Me: “Nope. I just like the color.”
Him: “Well, I’m just saying you don’t need all that. I think you look better without it.”
Me: “Thank you?”

Author’s note: I think this was supposed to be a compliment, but basically what he just said was “You look less good now than you usually do,” which really doesn’t seem like a compliment at all.

Him: “Next time I see you, I don’t wanna see any more lipstick okay?”
Me: *Stares blankly until he walks away, then immediately reapplies lipstick*

Can someone please explain to me why this is deemed acceptable? Ever? Unless the lipstick is MADE OF POISON and I am actually slowly killing myself by wearing it, no one gets a say in whether or not I wear it. And actually, even then, it’s my body and if I decide I want to slowly kill myself with poisoned lipstick, that’s my choice and everyone else can take a hike.

Me in my potentially poisonous red lipstick this morning
Let’s get serious for a second. I, like 1 in 5 adult women, have been a victim of sexual assault. When you survive something like that, taking back control of your body seems impossible, but it’s vital to the recovery process. Did I overreact because a guy said he didn’t like my lipstick? Maybe. But what that said to me wasn’t really “I’m not a fan of red lipstick,” it was “I know what’s right for your body and your appearance better than you do.” And you know what? That makes me angry. It makes me furious.

I am so tired of being told that my body isn’t my own. I am tired of seeing insane dress codes that punish young women for having female bodies. I am tired of being told to smile by random guys on the street. I’m tired of being told to cover up or strip down, wear my glasses more often or never wear my glasses at all,  laugh more or laugh less. I’m tired of being told that my standards are too high because I don’t settle in any aspect of my life.

I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it over and over again: if you want to live a happier, better life, you have to love yourself first. And part of loving yourself is taking ownership of yourself. It’s trusting yourself and the choices you make about your life and your body. It’s giving a big, giant middle finger to anyone, family, friend, or stranger, who tries to make you doubt those things. You are a rocking, kick-ass, awesome human being, and taking ownership of yourself is learning to trust that.

Pop-quiz! Let’s see if you’ve been paying attention. Please answer the following multiple choice question:

Which of these people gets a say in what you do with your body?

a) your neighbor with the annoying yappy dog who thinks your new bangs look weird
b) the scary homeless guy on the street who thinks your skirt is too short
c) your beautiful, confident, kick-ass self
d) your boyfriend who thinks you don’t shave your legs enough
e) all of the above

If you picked C, you’re well on your way to taking ownership of your body. Woohoo! Go you! If you picked D, you should probably dump your loser boyfriend. If you picked anything else…well, maybe go back to the beginning and read again.

Taking ownership of yourself can be scary and seem impossible, whether you’ve been through something traumatic or you’re just dealing with the daily reminders that our culture doesn’t think your body is your own. Trust me, I understand. But I’m here to tell you that taking back your body is worth it, because life on the other side is pretty damn great.

12 Things Every (Bipolar) College Student Should Know

My last post was pretty heavy, so we’re going to lighten things up a little with a list (who doesn’t love a good list?).

College is a time of growth and self-discovery. For some young adults, this means a few stupid mistakes and a lot of fun, but it can be harder to navigate when you’re struggling with mental illness. I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until I was 21, and that led to a whole lot of mistakes and missteps while I struggled to deal with something I didn’t really understand.

This list has helpful tips for everyone (not just the people struggling with mental illness), based on my (not always successful) experiences in college. Enjoy!

12 Things (New)


  1. Don’t sign up for a credit card. It feels like Monopoly money when you’re manic, and it will land you with a bunch of useless crap you don’t need and a mountain of debt with astronomical interest rates. Actually, better avoid shopping altogether when you’re feeling manic. You might very well end up with a pierced nose and a pet guinea pig. Hypothetically.

    Nose ring
    The only picture I have of the hypothetical nose ring. Turns out I’m allergic to the metal they used, so it didn’t last long.
  2. Ask for help. I know it might feel like you’re the only person who has ever experienced nearly failing out of college because of mental illness, but I promise you’re not. Talk to your parents. Talk to your friends. Talk to your significant other. And for the love of God, talk to your professors. Trust me, they want to help you.
  3. Save. If you only heed one piece of advice, please let it be SAVING your money. I know it really seems like you need matching expensive furniture for your first apartment, but you don’t. Get mismatched furniture from Goodwill and save that money to pay off your crippling student loan debt and someday buy a new couch when one of your idiot friends jumps on and breaks the one you have now.
  4. Don’t drink tequila. If you do decide to drink tequila, be prepared to regret your choices. Also, make sure no one is taking pictures, because I promise you won’t want to see them.

    Drink Pic Orig
    Don’t do it, 21-year-old me! Put down the tequila sunrise and back away slowly.
  5. Live on campus as long as you can. You might be eager to get your own place and be an “adult,” but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: being an adult blows. Seriously. You think you’re bad at feeding and taking care of yourself now? Wait until you don’t have a meal plan.

    First dinner
    First homemade dinner in my very first apartment at the tender age of 19
  6. Wear your pajamas to class. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not acceptable to look like a bum. There will come a time in your life when it’s no longer socially acceptable to wear your cozy pajamas with the cartoon sheep printed on them in public, and you will miss it. You have the rest of your life to shower and wear real pants.
  7. Go to class. I know you feel like you’ve been run over by a truck and you can barely lift your head some days, and it’s early and you’re tired and it’s cold outside and you didn’t do the reading, but go to class. You are paying a tremendous amount of money for the luxury of sitting and learning new things. Take advantage of that. Lord knows you’ll be paying it off long enough.
  8. Just because someone wants to sleep with you, it doesn’t mean they want to date you. Don’t try to make a boyfriend or girlfriend out of a person who only wants a one night stand. It will only end in tears. When you inevitably ignore this advice, you will be tempted to drink a stupid amount of tequila to dull the pain. Please refer to #4.
  9. Don’t change who you are to get people to like you. I know it’s tempting because you want to make friends and you want people to like you, but it’s not worth it. If you stick it out and continue to be your weird, wonderful self, you will find a bunch of other wonderful weirdos who will become your confidantes and partners in crime, and it will be great.

    Grad pic
    Seriously, look at this weirdo.
  10. Cut your loved ones some slack. The mental health stuff is just as new and scary for them as it is for you. Be nice to your parents, your friends, and your poor significant other. They’re doing everything they can to help you, and you can’t lose it on them every time they don’t immediately read your mind and act accordingly.
  11. Do stupid stuff. You’re only in college once. Be safe and healthy, but be okay with being crazy sometimes. Steal trays from the dining hall to go sledding. Play in the rain. Sing at the top of your lungs on the quad. Dye your hair hot pink. Drive all night to the nearest beach and watch the sunrise. Have experiences that will make for great stories when you’re eye deep in student loan debt and wondering why you didn’t just skip college altogether.
  12. Be kind to yourself. Eat well. Sleep enough. Take long baths and use some of that money you saved from buying crappy furniture to splurge on a massage. Speak to yourself kindly. You’re in for a rough road, but it will be infinitely easier if you treat yourself gently.

Why I’m Thrilled to be a Year Older

**TRIGGER WARNING: honest discussion of depression and suicide**

Birthday Pinterest

My 27th birthday is today, Saturday, January 9th, and I’m thrilled.

Birthday cake
My delicious birthday cheesecake. Keep in mind how delicious and happy this looks as you delve further into this post…

Ever since my 21st birthday, every subsequent birthday seems to bring with it a wave of depression and disappointment. Every birthday signals that I’m a year closer to thirty, or forty, or death, and it seems like I have nothing to show for it. Last year, on the eve of my 26th birthday, I wrote a journal entry:

As of tomorrow, I’ve spent 26 years on this earth and I’ve somehow managed to accomplish nothing. Everyone else is having successful careers, getting married, having babies…If I died tomorrow, the only major accomplishment of my life would be dying on my birthday, which is kind of a cool coincidence.

Pretty bleak, right?

About three weeks after this entry, my life completely changed. I’ve struggled with bipolar disorder for all of my adult life (if you want to read more about my diagnosis, read my about me page). Depressive episodes peppered with mania weren’t new to me, and when I started to fall into a deep depression right around my 26th birthday, it seemed like par for the course. I had trouble getting out of bed to go to work, I had trouble showering, feeding myself, doing anything other than lying in bed all day. I took day after day off work, and since I was in a job where I was paid hourly, this meant that I was rapidly going broke. There were also a lot of changes happening in my personal life that I wasn’t equipped to handle, and the resulting depression was the worst episode I’ve ever had.

Like most people who’ve suffered from depression, I had thought about suicide in the past. When my depression had gotten really bad, I would think about how nice it would be to just stop existing. During my depressive episode last winter, something changed. Suicide went from a passing thought to a wish, from a wish to an obsession, and from an obsession to a plan.

One night when my roommate was out, the pain I was feeling became unbearable. I pulled out every prescription medication I had. My propensity for getting sick and injured means I have a pretty large collection of prescription pain medications. I sat cross-legged on my bed and laid the bottles out in front of me, seven in total. I have no idea how long I sat there staring at those bottles, wondering if this would be the time I finally took them all. When I heard my roommate’s key in the lock, I hurriedly hid the bottles, relief warring with disappointment that tonight wouldn’t be the night after all. Instead of telling her what was going on and asking for help, I started a fight because she had come home an hour later than she said she would.

After a long fight and a lot of tears, I finally admitted that I was angry with her because if I had taken the pills right away, she wouldn’t have made it home in time to save me. Needless to say, this got her attention. After more fighting and more tears, she finally convinced me to call my mom, who drove the three hours to come see me.

In true Chicago fashion, a nasty snowstorm dropped almost two feet of snow on us the day after my mom got there. I had a particularly bad night that night. I couldn’t sleep, and I cried for hours. I have very little memory of this, but I do remember sobbing “I want to die,” over and over and over again.

Here’s an artsy b&w pic of Mostaccioli being adorable to give you a break from the heavy stuff. (I told you there would be cat pics.)

The next morning, based on the four hours of phones calls I made, I’m pretty sure every psychiatrist’s office in the city of Chicago was closed due to the snowstorm. Finally, I found a place that was open. It was a hospital, and they had free, 24-hour emergency assessments. We took a cab there, and after a grueling seven hours in a bare exam room, I was admitted.

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, but it’s always been manageable. Sometimes it sucks and everything hurts and it seems impossible to even lift my head, but I’ve always been able to pull it together enough to do the things that needed done. I have always viewed myself as minor-league crazy. Medicated, in therapy, but mostly okay. All of a sudden, I was looking at major-league crazy. I was being hospitalized for wanting to kill myself. That was so far outside the realm of what I had previously considered possible, and it was terrifying.

I’ll save the details and the aftermath of my hospitalization for another post, but the next six months were by far the hardest of my life. I was fighting for my life every day, and I was only barely winning.

I changed medications, and I started seeing a wonderful therapist. I slowly started to do the things I was passionate about again, and little by little, things started to get a little easier.

Anna and I before the AFSP’s Out of the Darkness Walk 2015

I did the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Out of the Darkness Walk and raised $250 for the cause. I listened to Brené Brown talk about vulnerability and I started (very, very reluctantly) practicing mindfulness. I went from feeling awful all the time to feeling awful most of the time. This doesn’t seem like a major accomplishment, but those days where I felt okay were like the most magical thing I had ever experienced. Having a few minutes or even hours where I didn’t want to kill myself felt like finally getting a full breath of fresh air when I had been drowning for months. Slowly, I started to feel awful only some of the time, and instead of feeling okay when I wasn’t feeling awful, I started to feel good. Every now and then, I even felt great.

Pausing during the walk for a gorgeous Lake Michigan selfie

I’m turning 27 today, and I’m over the moon. I have never been so grateful for a birthday, because I almost didn’t get one. 26 was the hardest year of my life, but I survived. I learned how to love and care for myself. I learned that the only person worth comparing myself to is past me. I learned that life can be messy and hard and terrifying, but every day that you still have one is a day worth celebrating.

Why You Should Boycott “New Year, New You”

Happy 2016! I love the beginning of the new year, partly because it means my birthday is coming up (January 9th, for anyone keeping track), and partly because it gives me the chance to reflect on all the blessings that have been heaped on me in the last year.

Do you know what I hate about the new year with a burning, fiery passion? “New year, new you.” Ugh.

New Year New You Updated

It seems like everywhere I turn, someone is proclaiming that their product or service will magically transform you into a new, better person. Whether it’s a weight loss plan, a new organizational system, or a new hairstyle, the message is clear: you aren’t enough the way you are. You’re not pretty enough, skinny enough, organized enough, smart enough, good enough. Use the new year to change that.

It seems like every year I’ve made some grand resolution that was supposed to change everything and make me happy. This year, I’m going to stop eating fast food. This year, I’m going to count calories and finally lose the weight. This year, I’m finally going to start exercising every day. Sometimes I stuck to my resolutions, and sometimes I didn’t, but you know what? They never made me happy, because every resolution I have ever made centers around one basic idea: I am not enough the way I am. I’m going to use this new year to change that. (Are you sensing a theme yet?)

Well, you know what? This year, I’m not going to accept that. 2015 was one of the most difficult years of my life, but I learned a lot about how to take care of and love myself. One lesson that I keep coming back to over and over is that if you want to make changes in your life and really have them stick, they have to come from a place of self-love, not self-loathing. If you want to eat right and exercise, do it because you love your body, not because you hate it. If you want to choose to indulge in delicious, high-quality food rather than counting every calorie, do it because you know it will make you happier, not because you starved yourself all day and feel you “deserve it.” If you decide to implement a new organizational system, do it because you love color coding things and you’re excited to be more productive, not because you think of yourself as a lazy, unorganized slob.

You get the idea.

I’m all for self-improvement, but I promise that if you do it from a place of self-loathing, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Setting resolutions because you hate yourself just leads to more self-loathing when you inevitably slip up (because you will, you’re only human). For example, let’s say you decided you’re going to stick to 1,200 calories a day* this year to really lose that weight. You do really well for the first couple days, nibbling your carrot sticks and eating your salad for lunch. Then, inevitably, someone brings cookies to the office. You think, “I’ve been so good, surely I deserve one.” Then you eat one, and all hell breaks loose. You started this resolution because you hate your body. You hate how you feel, you hate how you look, you hate that you can never seem to stick to a diet. You eat the cookie, and then you think to yourself “God, I couldn’t even stick to my resolution for three days. What the hell is wrong with me?” So either you redouble your efforts and the cycle continues to repeat, or you decide “to hell with all of it” and go eat an entire cake.

Sound familiar?

So this year, I encourage you to focus on what you love about yourself instead of what you hate. Treat your body and mind with love, compassion, and kindness. Eat the cookie or don’t, whichever makes you happy, but be grateful that you live a life where you have the luxury of turning down food. Throw “new year, new you” out a fifty-second story window because you don’t need to be a new you. You are wonderful the way you are. You are pretty enough, skinny enough, organized enough, smart enough, good enough. You, my beautiful reader, are enough.

*I AM NOT RECOMMENDING THIS! I can’t say that enough. I’m not a nutritionist, but seriously, don’t do it.